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Jun. 7th, 2013 | 05:19 pm

Ok... Let's go.


1. "Marriage by definition is between a man and a woman. It recognises the unique biological reality of sexual union between a man and a woman; a union that produces children." The argument that marriage is just a formality to produce kids is weak. If you're denying same sex marriage based on this, then does that mean that you will oppose a straight yet infertile man or woman from marrying because they will not be able to produce children? Good luck with that. And what about those who simply choose not to have a child? Will you oppose them from marrying someone they love because they refuse to reproduce?
"if [marriage] were merely about love, then it would be ridiculous for the state to recognise it." Marriage is the ultimate expression of love. People want to get married not just to reproduce (people are very capable of doing that without being married!!), they do it as a symbol that they love the other person and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Children, for most couples, is just an added bonus and a further expression of their love. And I'm sure there are many de facto couples out there that have kids, so marriage isn't the only avenue to children.

2. "Society needs babies". No shit. Well actually, in some countries they need a lot less babies. And either way, same sex couples will be together no matter what, alongside straight couples that are overpopulating the earth. Those same sex couples being married won't stop straight people reproducing.

3. "Children ought to have a father as well as a mother.". What children actually need is to be loved, supported and have their basic survival requirements met until they are old enough to fend for themselves. Same sex couples can (and do) do this. Will you remove children from single parents? I think not. Children learn social and family skills from adults. Just because a couple is straight doesn't mean they are capable parents. I'd rather a kid have a same sex couple for their parents, who love and respect each other and nurture their child, than a mum and dad that are abusive, fight constantly or just plain disrespect / loath each other. That's not a good example or environment for the child.

4. "The Biblical (God's) view of Marriage is to unite a man and a woman to form a family." Many religions have different beliefs. Some say you must be faithful to your wife, others allow you to have as many as you wish! And seeing as a lot of religions are based on the same God, then how do we have so many different interpretations of the marriage message? And it's not like we're asking the church to perform same sex marriage - just like Christian churches wouldn't usually perform a Hindu ceremony. Just let same sex couples have their union recognised by law. And on this topic, does that mean people who don't have a religious ceremony (and marry, say, at the Town Hall without a priest), does that mean it's invalid? You would still refer to them as being married, even though "married" is supposedly a religious term...

5. "In Australia we enjoy the freedom to express our opinions and to practice the religious beliefs of our choosing. My concern with legalising gay marriage is that it may be used to impinge on these freedoms." HOW?!?! Out of all those people that got married today, how many of their unions effected you and impinged on your freedom?? How would this change if the couple shared the same gender? It's not like that old kids saying that if you proclaim you don't believe in fairies, then one, somewhere in the world, will drop dead. A same sex couple getting married is not going to magically stop you from having the freedom to believe in God. What about the religions that restrict food? Like no pork, or halaal, or kosher? How does one person following these beliefs effect you (and your menu choices)? It doesn't. Faith is what you make of it. If you truly believe, then no force in the world will be strong enough to take that away from you.

6. "In 2007 a Canadian pastor after writing an alternative view to gay marriage in a newspaper was fined $7000 and ordered to desist from expressing his views on homosexuality in public forums." Would you complain if this same pastor wrote about being against people of a particular race? Probably not. You'd condemn him for being so close minded, blind, irrational.
Freedom of speech is a privilege. But discrimination isn't tolerated. Just look at the backlash of the girl calling Adam Goodes an Ape. There is a difference between freedom of speech and discrimination. Refusing someone's right to marry the person they love based on their sex is discrimination.

7. "My fear is that if gay marriage becomes law, a public discussion on the meaning of marriage will be greatly restricted..." Irrational. I'm sure you've had a discussion in which you expressed your concern over a couple that were horrible for each other, or marrying for money (or arranged), and you came out of it just fine. If anything, discussing the meaning of marriage will be enhanced as a greater amount of people will now be able to contribute and discuss what their marriage means to them.

In the wise words of Macklemore: "No freedom 'til we're equal - Damn right I support it".

Compassion for your pain...

May. 26th, 2013 | 01:18 am

I just want to feel something that's real. Something that I can quantify. Why should I deny myself that?
I find it quite ironic that I seek help because I hold back and try to control certain feelings... Or hide certain feelings, as it were. And the solution to "my problem" is to control what it is I feel. To distract myself when these feelings come up. That's not the solution!! That's the fucking problem!! How can you accuse me of being wrong when the solution is exactly what I'm doing in the first place? Just aimed at something that you can then say is helpful.

I want clarity. I want truth. Emotions are far more overwhelming than anything physical. And I've felt overwhelmed for far too long. So what is stopping me? Pride? Shame? A sense of righteousness? Or am I too afraid of feeling like I've let someone down again?

But who exactly is this *someone*. Am I just catastrophizing? I don't know what is real or what I'm projecting to be real, or when it applies or not.
I don't seem to have any control of my emotional life, so I need to grab control of my physical life. I am stuck, yet I seem to be the only person who sees it like this. Is it too much to expect a connection? Or are we all designed for the same fate of solitude? Maybe I just believe in something that doesn't exist. A Holy Grail of human relationships.

Either way, the emotion of it is getting harder to bear. Harder to understand. I need to feel something that I know is real...


Apr. 4th, 2013 | 10:19 pm

I really don't understand some women. Well, I do. I am one so I know why exactly it is they have this horrible attitude. But it seems to be the middle aged ones with the worst problems. Or maybe it's just the environment I'm in. It breeds micro-managing perfectionists that must be severely insecure and must use their position to assert their power over their "subordinates". It's funny how no one else has any issues except these certain types of women. Well, actually, some crusty old buggers that are stuck in their backwards way do too, but they have issues with anything.

But I like how, in an environment that claims to accept diversity, they have a hard time accepting anything that may be different (maybe accepting diversity only applies to physical attributes in their minds... that way they can show people how diverse they are and give themselves a pat on the back!!). Apparently there is only on right way and it's their way. Anything anyone else does in incorrect and they must re-mediate their ways immediately. They can't accept that things change and people can develop their own way of doing things! *shock*horror* So if I do things my way, in my order, in my style, it doesn't mean it's incorrect - it's just not the same way as you. So don't throw your power around as it's a sure-fire way to quickly lose any respect people have of you. No one likes clones, especially if it means more copies of you in the world...

I seem to come across a lot of these women. Don't they realise that respect doesn't come naturally with age. It's a privilege, not a right. So when I'm standing in a shop trying to pick out a nice wedding card - don't come up and actually start leaning on me physically in an attempt to get me to move - all the while you're having a lovely conversation with your piss-weak, under-the-thumb husband. I actually do exist. Don't physically lean on me and attempt to shuffle closer (is it possible?!) to get me out of the way. I would've gladly moved had you said a simple "excuse me" so we could all share the same spot. And don't look offended when I later barge pass you while you're reading the cards. You get as good as you give. Just because I'm younger than your sorry ass doesn't mean I owe you shit. Had the roles been reversed and *I* (or another youthful person) acted the way you did at first, all hell would break loose.

In a world where we get messages of male domination and how it's an "us vs them" mentality in the workplace and society, I find that it's the men I come across that are more respectful. They don't seem interested in bitching or intimidating and they sure as hell don't get all insecure and take it out on others. I've pulled a lot more daggers out of my back that were put there by women than by men.

(no subject)

Jul. 1st, 2012 | 11:32 pm

My stomach is full of butterflies, slowly but methodically flipping. My chest feels deep and empty that I can feel my heart pounding aginst my rib cage. I can feel my pulse everywhere. My breath getting caught in my throat.
I don't know what the cause of my anxiety is. But I know damn well it's keeping me from my sleep. It's happened a lot lately. I can't calm it. I can't fix it because I don't know what the cause of it is. Obviously my mind is trying to tell me something. But what's changed? Everything feels the same. Least I thought it did. I'm still stuck in my usual rut. Maybe my mind has decided rather than cope and put up with it, it wants me to change. Do I really not like where I am now? Do I not like where I'm going? Is the fact that I'm not going anywhere starting to bother me? Is it my work? Is it my relationships?

I'm treading water at work. Trying to keep afloat. I think I'm not as good as I hoped I'd be. What others expected me to be. I feel like a failure. Maybe. My relationships... They're fine. I am a bit lonely. I don't feel connected. Or that I don't have the opportunity to connect. The distance feels overwhelming. Even in close proximity. Like standing in a crowd yet feeling like the only person in the world.

Then there's the expectation to keep up. People want too much from me. The responsibility is too great. Can't someone take care of me for a change? Can't people do things for me for a change? I need a break... Can't I just be dependent on someone sometimes?

I think my heart is going to break through my rib cage if it doesn't calm down. The butterflie are still keping their pace. It's like there's something inside of me that just wants to explode out. It's building up and it's trying to break through.

Well it needs to wait. I need to sleep. I need to sort myself out.

Everything a girl needs

Jun. 9th, 2012 | 04:44 pm

Growing up, I was always a bit of a tomboy. I was the feral girl playing with Transformers or TMNT toys, collecting bugs and spiders or just all round getting grubby. Even now I love watching sport - even if I can't talk about the intricate details of the ins and outs of each code or name every players stats, I enjoy watching the game for what it is. I drink (and like) beer. I don't like flowers. Romantic gestures embarrass me slightly. I don't giggle while flicking my hair and use "like" for every second word. And I really, REALLY dislike jewellery... And getting my nails done. (Although you wouldn't think so going by my LJ setup!)

But now I'm a little older, I find I'm letting my inner girl have a say in my day to day happenings. The only things that I do that are girly are my obsession with shoes and cute lingerie, I love cute and fluffy things (though I've *always* loved cute and fluffy), I have a need to have my apartment smell pretty and not like boy, and my religious dedicated to buying Cosmopolitan each month.

A lot of my guy friends accept my shoe obsession and laugh when I squee at cute little animals, but they always give crap for reading Cosmo. They say it's bunch of superficial, lollypop crap and each month they splash on the cover how they've found "a new way to reach that amazing o". I let it pass, as I usually couldn't think of anything to argue against it.

Now, the more I think about it, the more I have to stand up for this humble magazine. Yes, I skip past the fashion and make up tips (even though I really do need some help with working out fashion) and sometimes it does come across as overly girly (again, I skip these). But it does some wonderful things for girls out there. I've read so many articles which don't contain superficial remarks and actually have meaning. Like one article a while back warning women of the dangers of living on campus in some of our Unis, or how to best protect yourself if you find you're in a less than desirable situation. It shows other peoples experiences in overcoming hardship, like beating cancer or breaking free from an abusive relationship. It gives women warning signs to look out for, gives them confidence to get through it.

And I'm sure in the last few editions, they've had articles showing women how to take the next step in their career, or find a new career / set up their own business. It gives tips on how to make a life when you move overseas. How to improve your life and get rid of the negative (slightly preachy... yes, but very supportive to it's readers). They provide advice on how to tackle relationship hurdles, how to make you more confident in getting what you want andjust how to stand up for yourself in a selfish and disconnect world.

So I think Cosmo does quite a lot for women and shouldn't be dismissed as a pink fluffy "OMG" magazine. The people who say that obviously haven't read it. And I've read a lot of Ralphs, FHMs, Zoos etc, and they are far more superficial. All about how to get laid and a half naked woman on every second page (not that I'm complaining, mind you. Some of those women and hot!!).

So there we go. I'm just putting it out there that a simple magazine does a lot for women in a lot of different ways. Weird subject to rant about, but hey, I just did. So shut up. I'll continue to buy Cosmo every month and continue to read interesting articles and skip the fluff and not feel bad for it. Plus... The sealed sections are very enjoyable ;P

Now if you don't mind, I've had enough girliness for one day. I'm going to find a drink and listen to some Metallica.

(no subject)

Feb. 4th, 2012 | 01:32 pm

Another relapse. I seem to be having a few lately. I can't really say that it's behind me now...
But fuck it. I wanted to. And I think I can fucking do what I want for a change. I think I deserve that much

"If you don't put yourself first, no one else will". How very true.

I just feel completely insignificant. Completely ignored. I don't matter to anyone. I might not always be here. I might just up and leave. Not that anyone would really notice. Maybe only when they need something from me.

Everything just builds up. Broken promises. Times when I think I deserve a little something I'm completely overlooked. Taken advantage of. Avoided, maybe...

And it's really lonely here. All the people who might give a damn are 3 hours or more away from me. I have tried. I'm just ignored. Just confirms what I've always thought.

It's times like this where nothing really seems worth it anymore. Why should I even bother?

You made me feel like the act of love was empty

Jan. 20th, 2011 | 12:08 am
mood: blah blah

When will I ever learn? I shouldn't ever get close to someone. All it causes is heartache and misery. How many times do i need to get hurt before I realise I should never let someone get close to me?
I tried hard. Even though at times it felt like I was putting in more effort, that it was so one sided... I persisted. There was something there worth keeping. But it's obviously not reciprocated. I thought I was being fair. I wasn't asking much. But it was still wrong. How can someone profess their love in the same sentence as implying they don't want to be with you. It's fucked. And I don't know how much I'm going to put up with. I'm exhausted. I can't do it any more. A part of me doesn't want to lose it, but a part has already begun the great big disconnect. Remove all emotion. Freeze everyone out

Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

Dec. 8th, 2010 | 04:10 pm
mood: contemplative contemplative

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to make it through all of this. All of life. Forever wanting to be more than I am. Forever being disappointed in myself. In others. Wanting, longing for an unattainable dream. Being told constantly what I should want, what I should need, how I should act, that my thoughts and feelings aren't right. Having people not understand me or the position that I'm in. Surrounded by fakeness. Living in a world made up of bullshit commercialism making the status anxiety ever present in everyday life. Having a life mapped out by others only to feel like a failure because that's not who I am. Feeling a great big disconnection from everyone because that's the way society works now. Nothing is real. Communication is fake. How am I supposed to work on whatever relationships I have when I can barely keep up with what seems to be the only acceptable way to communicate? How are we supposed to be good people when the world we live in doesn't have any morals or values anymore?

I feel like running away. Find somewhere away from the numbness of the urban lifestyle. Find a place where the beauty of nature can carry my cares away. Covered in a comforting darkness. Surrounded by calm and innocence. A place pure, untainted, unadulterated. A place that hasn't been destroyed by what society thinks people should want.
Innocence. Purity. Why are they so hard to find now a days?

Why do you always doubt that there can be a better way?

Oct. 24th, 2010 | 01:40 am
mood: numb numb

I can't believe I'm resorting back to old habits. I thought I had moved on. That I was stronger than that. A moment of weakness undid years of hard work and determination. Weak. That's all I am. I wasn't strong enough to fight it. I had become more than this, it wasn't who I was anymore But now... It came back. The temptation was too great and I fell for it. The rush of it, the buzz. It seemed too good. Then the regret. I thought I had moved on. Left all this in the past. I'm just weak... I know I should resist... I'm just too tired. It's so much easier to give in. But now I have to deal with it. Start building from the beginning again. Start the fight from the very first battle.

I shouldn't have left. It's like leaving a canvas imcomplete. It will never be whole, instead, it's a skeleton of what it could become. I need to go back. Finish what I started.
I need help to be perfectly honest. I can't fight this on my own. It's a battle that I'm going to lose...

Good times never felt so good

Jan. 4th, 2010 | 06:29 pm
mood: tired tired

Hello. My name is The Lizard Queen... And it's been four days since my last drink. *clap clap clap clap clap*
Thank you, thank you. It hasn't been easy. Especially being at the cricket when everyone around me had a beer in hand. But I'm still going strong.
Along with my sobriety I have also gone four days without anything that had been fried. *clap clap clap clap clap*
Now that was fucking hard!!! So wanted chippies and a pie whilst I waited for the four hour rain delay at the start of the test. With the rain and the wind hitting me, something warm and comforting was very tempting. Oh.
I will do this. I will prevail.

Now, to find a way to do a life diet. I'll start by cutting out all types of work (not even going to give in and have a splurge day! Dedicated, I know!!) and pair that with a 30K surplus into my bank account five times a week - I'll take the weekends off :)

A moment, a love, a dream, a laugh.

Jan. 2nd, 2010 | 12:38 pm
mood: content content

So. My first post of the year.
Guess I should wrap up last year.

Well as you may have already noticed that the Christmas and Holiday season came way to quickly!! I can't believe it's all over!!T_T No more Christmas tree with decorations. no more carols. No more shopping for wrapping paper and cards and presents and food for the Christmas feast! It's so sad. I'll have to wait another 10 months before I see the decorations com up again. (Actually, I'd say 7 months. Usually they start after Fathers Day) Guess that isn't too long. The year went by so quick... I can't believe it's 2010 already! I don't think I'm ready for this....

I did have a fun Christmas though. The Boy and I finally got ourselves a dining table with chairs (Whoo hoo!!) so I was uber excited to actually have our Christmas dinner on a table!! Then The Boy went back to his home in Bathurst to spend Christmas with his family. So my Family drove up to spend Christmas with me ^-^ AND they brought Baby along with them!!! She was so cute.

I ended up staying with them in the holiday house to booked. Spent so much time playing 'Piggy' with Baby and sneaking her some chicken under the table and trying to get her to stop eating everything she found on the floor and encouraging her to outsmart Dad whenever he tried to keep her outside. For 5 Months old she's pretty good at outsmarting him. Fluff would be so proud.
So I ended up cooking a big turkey and roast vegies and prawns and lobster with lime aoli for Christmas dinner. It was some good eating if I do say so myself!
Then pudding. Lots of pudding and Custard ^-^

Boxing day I went to see Mamma Mia! with Mother (it was our present from the boys) so we were supposed to be having a bonding day.

On the 29th, The Fam had to leave. The Boy was back by then so The Boy, Father, Brother, Baby and I had breakfast in Newtown. Baby got lots off attention for being a little fluff ball with big black eyes. Everyone loved her. She loved the chippies we were eating. Stood up against Brother's leg to get a better view and be in prime begging spot. Yes, she did get chippies. Then The Boy had to go to work so The Fam and I took Baby to the park for a little exploring. It got too hot for her and after a big drink of water, she refused to walk any further. So I had to carry her. And she had wet paws.

So off to the beach we went to see what Baby would think of it. She hated it! It was scary for her!! There were some big doggies there and she tried to fight them because she didn't know what else to do! She didn't mind some of the rock pools, but then the big waves came and she bolted out of the way(and got caught up on some). So I settled into a bigger rock pool and soaked and she came in every now and then. She did big swimming too!! A natural swimmer. Then saw it fit to swim up to me as I was lying down and use my tummy as an island for her to stand on. she has sharp claws that bugger! She just walked up and down me. Scratching my arms and stomach and face then sat on me so she didn't have to go in the water. Crazy girl.
When we got back to the car the poor little girl was buggered, so she curled up in the seat and slept. Kicking me every now and again just to get comfortable. So cute!

Once they left I had a pretty lazy few days. Went to Hurricanes for dinner with Brother. That was some Gooooood eatin!! Those ribs were awesome!! And they had good chips too. We had to wait an hour for our table but it was worth it! I could go for a few ribs right now...

Then on the 30th, I headed to Bondi Beach with The Boy. We tried some churros before walking along the beach and playing in the waves. That was heaps of fun! I didn't want it to end or go home. It was such a perfect day too and The Boy was amused by teasing The Bearded Man in the surf. It was so fun! We stayed on the beach until the sun got too low then we headed onto the promenade to find some food. The Boy got a mini pizza as an entree before we bought some fish and chips. Pretty good too, I might add. Then we had to go home :(

Before you knew it, it was New Years Eve!! Spent the day fattening myself up on the last binge day I could. But that was very disappointing. Central HJ didn't have the Angus (but the onion rings were still good I guess) then my beloved Starbucks gave me whole milk so I died after a few sips then Maccas chips were stale. Bleugh. So wasn't as I had expected.
Got home and got ready then The Boy and I headed to the rocks to meet two blokes from his work. It was pretty fun. The guys were good too. Just hope I didn't annoying them, being the only girl in the group. But it was fun and I talked to them once I got over my shyness. Well, one I had met before and he's a good guy. Kind of comforting knowing that they're the guys The Boy hangs around at work.. don't know why. Guess because they're nice and genuine and seem to look out for one another. Plus they looked after me when creepy guys tried to hit on me... OK, I'll shut up now.

Had a few drinks and rang in the New Years with lots of fun! Saw a bit of the firework display from where we were but it wasn't the best angle. Got our way back in the club for some dancing before The Boy and I called it a night. But of course, we had to stop for a battered sav! :P
Got home and the fun didn't stop!! It was amazing! A wonderful way to start off the New Year I reckon :)

And now I'm depressed because I'm hungry and have started my New Years diet. I have to lose weight before my birthday. That's three weeks away!! And I've gained so much weight during the festive season! Oh, why can't I be naturally a twig?? Ugh. I'm hungry. I will do this though. I have to. For me and The Boy. I miss being a size 4. And I want The Boy to think I look stunning. Look like I did when we first met. And I'll feel fit again. I just have to stop being happy. I eat when I'm happy... Oh, but I like that I'm happy...

Over the sea and far away

Oct. 3rd, 2009 | 08:33 pm
mood: happy happy

Ok. The Boy has mentioned that I haven't updated in a while (what else is new?) so I think I should.

All I'm thinking about is last weekend. It was the most fun I have had in such a long time! The Boy came back to The Berra for the weekend (for a friends housewarming party) so we had a 'dirty weekend' shacking up at the Executive Apartment Hotel. First things first, we settled down to watch the GF between the mighty Geelong Cats and St. Kilda. I was so nervous, especially since the cats had lost every quarter. It was heart pounding stuff and I was yelling at the television and the Cats players (even though The Boy mentioned everytime that they can't /actually/ hear me... I still had to) And it the last moments of the game, the Cats pulled through. I was euphoric!! I couldn't believe it. From teary eyes by the third quarter because I thought we lost it, to screaming out of celebration and barely containing myself. It was a tough game, but I was so happy!

With a great night planned ahead, The Boy and I got ready and met our old housemate for dinner before all three of us headed to the housewarming. Ended up trying the Haig Italian Restaurant (part of the hotel). It was too bad. Not worth all the hype I reckon. But they made pretty good Pina coladas :)
Then all three of us walked over to The Kiwis place. The party had started before we got there and most people had had a few drinks in them already. They were all really nice, I'm sure. Just bogan. Like wearing helmets and headbutting each other like fighting moose in mating season. I'm sure it was amusing on some level.
We stayed for a while before heading out into the cold to hit some clubs. House mate went home so it was just The Boy, J-dawg and myself. I had heaps of fun though! Through beer and what not. And the company of course :)
Started out at KingO's for a quick drink then went to a few clubs. Started at Bar32 (which I thought, considering the charged us $5 it was dodgy - small and dingy) but I had fun "dancing" - more like swaying from side to side all unco like and trying not to drop my drink.

We got over that place and ventured out to IC's. I can remember doing more "dancing" but not much else. Had a bit of a chat to The Boy and he was cute and I was just enjoying being in my own little world :)
We called it a night and walked back, even though it was bloody freezing and drizzling and nasty out.

On Sunday when we eventually woke up and got out of bed (the temptation to stay in bed was hard to ignore - especially since the weekend began we were having some amazing... experiences in there) but we got ready and, being hung over, grabbed a big fuck off bucket of KFC and one of their new Krusher thingy's. Which was awesome!! And the salt and flavour of the chicken just seemed exactly what we needed. Nom nom nom. Felt so greasy and nasty afterwards though! Mmmm... Wouldn't mind some chicken now actually...
K. Then we dragged our tired arses over to Kiki's for her engagement party. I know, I can't believe she's engaged either. Poor fiance. Does he not realise what he's getting himself into???
The party was ok. The boy and I weren't feeling very social so we sort of kept to ourselves in the corner. We were bing on of /Those/ couples. Ah well. But it was pretty good.

Got ourselves some take out and had a lazy night in the hotel. And I think that would have been my favourite part of the weekend. As fun as everything was, I enjoyed lying in bed watching TV with my boy and having some fun. It was quiet and relaxing but my favourite moment :)

Monday we checked out and grabbed some brunch at our usual haunt, with our usual haunty meals :)
We then headed back to the home to play with little Kiara bell :) Not sure if I've updated since then but I have a puppy!! I little psycho woman who can't make up her mind on what to pounce on. And she's a terror to any leaf or patch of grass that gets her attention. They better watch out! But she's my beautiful psycho mongrel! So the Boy and I were playing with her for an hour or so - and she was loving the attention, before The Boy had to catch his flight back to Sydney :(

One of the best weekends in every sense. I wish it never had to end :(

And now I'm at our place in Sydney. And it's raining and yucky outside - but warmer than Berra still. And I'll have to drive back tomorrow :( but it's a good month in terms of seeing The Boy. I'm with him every weekend and I'm muchly looking forward to spending the week with him for his birthday and his cousins wedding up in Queensland :) Yay

Time now to spread your wings. To take to flight. The life Endeavour

Aug. 11th, 2009 | 01:00 pm
mood: depressed depressed

On my way back form Sydney I got a call... My baby doesn't have much time. She's on her last legs and is struggling. I pray that the three hour drive back to the Berra will still give me enough time to see her.

Rushing through the front door just after 1am, Mother is there craddling her in a towel near the heater. Her long fluffy ears down and eyes half closed. I ran to her and patted her on her head and whispered how much I loved her and that I'm here again. Suddenly she perked up. Eyes wide and made a jump for me. My heart both lifted and broke at the sign of her wanting me to cuddle her. She was happy I was there... And that this will be the last time I'd see her.
Quickly changing, I then gathered her up in her little "blankie" and settled in the chair. Her ears were up, a sign she was happy, as I patted her head and her favourite spot on the back of her neck. I was shocked just how light she was. All bones and fluff. But she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and I couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her. How brave she was to get to 2 months shy of eight years with the cancer getting to her like it was. Her breathing was quiet and soft. Her eyes getting smaller, but still looking at me. I wasn't going to leave her.
I sat there, cuddling her, not moving for close to three hours. At times she made a little move or drank some water. Other times I had to check her nose was still twitching and that she hadn't passed yet. If I had known that she wouldn't go calmly, I wouldn't have bothered.

At around twenty / quarter to four this morning she started to squirm. The pain must have been making her uncomfortable. She kept re-adjusting herself. Kicking with her feet and nibbling on her fur. I tried to calm her down. Told her it'll be ok and stroked her fur in a vain attempt to help her through it. The next few minutes caught me by suprise and I swear will haunt me for the rest of my life. The more the pain got to her, the more she'd squirm... And it was getting more frequent now. Soon, she was constantly struggling. Kicking her little legs, throwing her head back, body convulsing, mouth open in pain and tears streaming from her eyes (and ours). Mother was with me still at this time. We tried to sooth her. Keep her still. Praying to anyone to keep her from this pain. She's so little she didn't deserve to be in that much pain. Brother had called us at this time. Just a freak coincidence of gut feeling. We were trying to explain what was happening while trying to keep my baby calm. We knew it wouldn't be much longer. Then, to break all our hearts, she let out this high pitched scream of pain as another spasm convulsed through her body. And seeing as how these animals rarely make noises, it ripped through you like a thousand daggers tearing you apart. Even Brother heard it through the phone. New, hot tears were streaming from our faces and we wished so hard that she wouldn't be in this pain anymore. The constant squirming, the kicking, the mouth open in pain, eyes wide and every so often another squeal escaped her lips. I struggled to stay but didn't want to let go of her. I had to share this pain with her. Finally, one last major fit caused her to not move, but still felt her quivering... And slowly, with her still on my lap, my hand still on her and Mother still there praying and covering Fluffs eyes, She stopped. She was still...

She put up the good fight. She was so brave and she never wanted to give up. Even in the last moments you could sense she was trying to fight it. She didn't want to lose. It was one of the most heart breaking experiences. I can't even imagine how much she went through. And to keep her fighting spirit and sharp mind right to the end was an effort I can't even comprehend.

I've lost my baby. My beautiful, sweet, smart little baby. The third in 15 months. My heart broken again. A part of it never to recover. Visions that will be in my nightmares forever. The pain is almost unbearable. But nothing compared to what she went through, I imagine.
At least now she's free from it. She is no longer in pain. She will be happier.
Now all that's left is for me to live through this pain...

Can you still love me when you can't see me anymore?

Jul. 29th, 2009 | 10:25 pm
mood: contemplative contemplative

When does "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" end and "out of sight, out of mind" begin?
Do you cross over into the other after length of time or is it an even that hurls you into the next phase? Can you control or change which phase you're in?
Maybe for some it's easier and others it's near impossible. But it just seems like an inevitable progression, really. I guess all you can do is hope for the fondness. Like one of those situations where you have to make an effort, do all you can to make sure the distance doesn't grow. You can't just sit idley by and think it will work itself out because more often that not, it wont. And you find yourself at a dead end.
But if it doesn't go pear shaped, then you'd really appreciate the hard work and effort. And maybe that would make you closer than you were before. Make you realise just how fond you are!
Maybe this is something you just can't leave up to fate...

Rid your dirty mind of all of it's preciousness

Jul. 20th, 2009 | 09:32 pm
mood: content content

So. Thinking I need a bit of a catch up here.

Starting off with the bad news first.
The fourth of July was by far one of THE worst days in my life. I had to go off to Sydney to visit a few open houses but everything went wrong. I missed apointments by a mere 2 minutes because of traffic and by lunch time I was on the brink of tears and so stressed and hating everything. Then to top it all off, my brother called from home to tell me that my guinea pig and died. He was three years old!!!! He was perfectly fine the last time I saw him, though Father said he wasn't acting himself that morning. I burst into tears and just wanted to give up then. I wanted to go home and make sure what they were saying was true and that I had indeed lost one of my babies. I was hating Sydney for stressing me out with it's stupid traffic and burst water mains and hating life because I didn't get to see my baby piggy that morning. I'm still kicking myself about that.

On a good note. By the end of the day I did end up getting to one house openings and they place seemed alright. The apartment was a bit small (but hey, it'll just be me and The Boy there) but the complex had a pool, a gym, opposite some nice cafes and opposite Sydney Park. Plus it was right outside a Bottle'o. A Bottle'o!!! Like, right outside the front gate. How freaking awesome!!!!!! So I handed in our application and was feeling quietly confident (considering the others that showed up, I was sure we would get it over them).
Went to Starbucks (of course) with Father to have a relaxing end to the Sydney day before the drive back. And I think by then my mood was lifting. although still devestated about the loss of Piggy.

That following Monday The Boy got in contact with the real estate agent to discuss the application and sussing out whether or not we should apply for other apartments. Half way through the day LJ Hooker got back in contact with us to say we got the apartment!!!! So that was great news and we were happy. I can't believe we're moving to Sydney. How crazy! And I'll now live outside a Bottle'O ^-^
So yeh. It's all a bit crazy. We've signed the lease and are now paying rent (even though we're still in The Berra) but The Boy will officially move up the first weekend in August. And I shall follow in months time. Once I nsecure a job et cetera et cetera.
It's all so scary but exciting. I'm scared to move away from my friends and family and just to be living with The Boy, but then then excited because it will just be us two. And the experiences should be exciting. I'll be so sad leaving though. I may cry.

So this does seem to be turning intoanother uber post because i still have plenty more to say. Maybe I should turn it into two entries...
Or maybe I could stop ranting, get to the point and have less crap corrupting the page. Hmmm.

ANYWAYS. On Friday The Boy and I flew down to Melbourne for our friends' wedding (or first anniversary celebrations - seeing as they were married in England last year) So we got in latish Friday night and made our way to The Boy's brothers apartment (which by luck, we had all to ourselves!!!). The apartment was so nice! Something I'd love to have if money would allow. The interior design, the furniture (oh I loved that furniture) the newness of everything there and... The Bed. We stayed in Spacey-Crowes bedroom whilst he was away and that bed... My goodness. The most comfortable thing you would ever find. You just sank into it yet it had the right amounf of firmness so you didn't feel as if you'd drown. And the pillows. Soft but held shape. And the blanket. What a blanket!! I think that alone is more confortable than the bed we have at the moment. Heaven. *Drools*

Saturday was a lazy start to the morning. We slept in ((even dispite the sun light in the room... grr..) and then made our way to the city for brunch and Starbucks. We then got ready for the party. The Boy looking hot as usual in his pseudo formal outfit... I could have jumped him then. And my usual dress I wear to nice events. Although I swear my boob was threatening to fall out all night. Thank God it didn't.

We arrived at Dog Bar in St. Kilda for a 6 course degustation and matching wines. I had the most fun I have had in a long time. Good food, great wine and even better company. But the courses were unbelievable. Things I never imagined (who would think to pair Kangaroo with chilli chocolate?) and wines that freakishly complimented everything. I could not believe how much fun I had. I eve talked to people! Me! The person who's scared of her own shadow spoke to people I never met before. Maybe it was the beer and champagne before the meals of the plenty of wine that was on offer. I cannot believe how wonderful the night was. Topped only by the fact I was with The Boy and got to spend the rest of the night with him. I can't seem to get accross just how amazing this night was. The food was to die for and I got to celebrate with one of my good friends his marriage to a wonderful person. I just wanted to hug them both all night!

The next day it was up for a Champagne brunch and cheese extravaganza and the happy couples apartment. Champagne was great. Bit of the hair of the dog if you will. And again, food was wonderful. We even had hibiscus flowers in our champpers. Odd but I loved it. I left determined to find some for my own wine use.
Not long after The Boy and I were shattered from lack of sleep that we had to call it a day. We headed into the city for coffee in a last ditch attempt to awaken ourselves but even that couldn't help us. So it was back to the apartment to pack.

We got the airport early evening and it was the part of the day I was not looking forard to. Not only leaving Melbourne and the fun Ihad, but The Boy was off to Thailand and Vietnam for two weeks! I miss him so much already (and it's barely been 24hours since I left him at Tullamarine). But he's in Thailand in the sunshine and warmth and cheap cocktails. And he's met up with his local friends so I know he'll have fun. I just miss him is all. It will be all cold and lonely in our bed tonight... Can't wait until next Friday when he gets back!!!

walking through town is quite scary

Jun. 19th, 2009 | 07:45 pm
mood: exhausted exhausted

I have a new phone!!!!! It's my baby. I love it already ^-^ It's so pretty and small and isn't a samsung. Phone + Me = Happiness

That was my excitement for the week. Nothing interesting has happened... I'm bored. And tired. Have had the most shocking weeks sleep since ages! I can get to sleep alright, it's the staying asleep that troubles me. I wake constantly during the night then as soon as the sun's up I'm awake too. And I can't get back to sleep. Moo. It's really annoying.

So, now it is the next day because I went out to the pub without finishing my post. And I got drunk. Too much Bundy... Think I'll lay off it for a while :(
But joined The Boy and his old boss (plus entourage) at Civic pub. Did feel like a bit of a fourth wheel (is that possible??) but was happy to amuse myself and sing. So they played pool all night and I ran into Evey so she kept me company for a while before she headed to the snow. Got home around midnight after hitting the wall. I was so tired.

And now I'm finishing this off before heading to the home t see my babies ^-^ Maybe I'll give them a bath. If I can pry them away from their beloved grass eating

In love with the world

Jun. 14th, 2009 | 01:47 pm
mood: Shattered Shattered

Well, a lot has happened since my last update. I've just been too lazy to update anything!
I've been working - which is slightly boring. I just get restless sitting down for too long and my eyes hurt from staring at a computer all day. but I like the people I work with. It's funny. And I think now we've moved upstairs I talk to the other boys a lot more. So it gets me through the day.
But it's too cold. I may need to buy a blanket to take to work :)

Let's see... I broke my finger (AGAIN I know) playing netty. So now I'm out for a couple of months and I'm cranky about it. We just finished grading and on the first game of the season I injure myself. Rob found it funny. I don't.

I went to join the Wench for her mothers birthday yesterday at the Hyatt. High Tea. I felt all posh (besides the fact I was the bogan of the crowd :P) AND all the little foods were in mini form!!!! I was so excited. But my eyes were greedier than my stomach. I ended up struggling with my bite sized foods, even though they were so good. Who knew that mini food could fill you up so much?? The scones were awesome though. In fact, I may have to get some for the next weekend. So I can have a lazy Saturday brunch. Coated in cream and raspberry jam. *Drools*

then last night The Boy, a girl from his work and her boy (and myself) went to see the Rugby - Wallabies VS Italy. We kicked ass but I was too busy trying to keep myself warm. It was crazy cold!!! I couldn't believe it. At half time I actually bought merchandise scarfs for The Boy and I just to get that little bit warmer. I cry at life.
After the game we headed into the city for a few cocktails at Muddle. I love that place. I'd live there if I could. Had two uberly delicious cocktails befre heading to PJ's for cheaper drinks. Amoungst other things. When we got sick of the contrasting music coming from different ends of the pub we moved onto NorthBar - where I somehow got in for free. Ah well, $10 extra for me. I didn't even know there was a cover charge. We got ourselves a round of drinks and somehow my mojito ended spilt all over the able. I have no idea how that happened. I leant back in my seat and next thing I know it was gone! Don't think I tapped it over. I dunno. I wasn't really in a concentrating state at that time. So The Boy got me another one ^-^ He's gorgeous

And that's pretty much it. I so don't want to go to work tomorrow :( Wonder if I can bludge. Take a flexi day. Hmmmm...

(no subject)

May. 16th, 2009 | 08:30 pm
mood: blah blah

If only you'd relax upon your rules and dare to be loves fool...

Personal pronouns are the death of me...

Apr. 20th, 2009 | 03:42 pm
mood: procrastinating procrastinating

It's cold and I have a headache!
I should go for a walk soon. But I'm too busy procrastinating. And it's cold out. Although it's only going to get colder...

I feel like heading to the pub but then that means I have to actually get dressed up and leave the house, then find people to drink with me (because people stare when I drink by myself... and randoms feel the need to sit with me). But then, if I don't go out I get to watch NCIS and lots of it!! Hmmm, social butterfly or nerdy recluse?? Social means I get beer, recluse means I get to be warm with hot tea...

I want a puppy. We almost got one too. He was very cute and squishy and a little ratbag and I fell in love with him. But, someone got to him first and he was already sold. Moo. I'll find out who got him and steal him back. That's right! He's mine!!! How dare you take him from me!!! Bitch...

Can you believe I've only got one week until I start my new job?! How freaky. Wonder how I'll fit in. I should work on that chartered boat at nights. Lingerie work but I do get $1000 a night... That's pretty freakin awesome. I could be rich! Wonder if they tax my pay and what type of sexual harrassment policy they have in place. I'm sure they wouldn't care if a guy tried to feel you up. Maybe it means more money... A thousand a night is still good... Which means 3k a week. Hmmmm

So I'm set to move in with The Boy soon... How scary. It feels a bit weird because I'm moving into /HIS/ place, so it still feels as if it wouldn't quite be mine. I'd probably still be nervous being there by myself. But least I'd have my effects with me.
then I'd have to put up with the housemate. He's harmless, but lazy and annoying and he doesn't really want me there. Did I mention annoying? Like when I'm trying to watch my shows (which uses technical terms which I'd get confused about if I miss) and he bloody talks about his stupid shit that I don't care about and I end up missing something important then I dwell on what I miss and the rest of the show doesn't make sense to me...
Lucky I'm bringing my own tv...
Then again, he could be my new Iori and Muddle buddy... I'm having withdrawels

If you brought me diamonds. If you brought me pearls. If you brought me roses like some other gents might bring to other girls. It wouldn't please me more than the gift I see.... ...

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

Apr. 17th, 2009 | 07:05 pm
mood: sad sad

"There are many ways of breaking a heart..." Pearl S. Buck

It's strange how a muscular organ, which main objective is to pump blood around our bodies, can be so closely related to emotions and love. How did the connection between the two start? Is it because the heart rate rises when you see someone you love? Which would then create butterflies in your stomach and shorten your breath.
But then how do you get that sensation where you "fill up with love"? Hmmmm.

And what about the opposite. When things aren't right. How does an organ that does nothing but rhythmically contract feel like it's breaking in two? Like something is in there ripping it apart? It hurts. The pain is almost unbearable and your heart feels like it's sinking and deflating. Your world gets a little bit darker and the tears don't stop falling from your eyes and you don't know when it would stop hurting.. It is a pain unlike any other. That feeling of it tearing apart. The feeling of unimaginable loss. A bereavement.
Why do we relate all that to a muscle?
And why does it break so easily...

I know I don't deserve more, but I still want you...

Apr. 14th, 2009 | 01:43 pm
mood: contemplative contemplative

It was Sigmund Freud who said

'The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"'

Surely we can't be that difficult to figure out? I do admit that we have our own secret code of what we think are subtle (yet 'obvious') signs that only other women can de-code. The whole "I'm fine" answer usually means the exact opposite - especially when we practically spit it out. And the little hints we give out to tell people exactly what we want usually fall on deaf ears with men. Then of course these hints go unnoticed which lead people to the conclusion that women don't know what they want. So much so that a lot of women come to believe that even they don't know what they want.

I guess form a long time women have learnt that we should never ask for something and be selfish. We are the providers of the domestic life and we have to take care of our partner and any offsprings that may occur. So we came up with subtleties to ask for what we want. But now post-feminist women are standing up for themselves and believe that women don't need a domestic life, we don't need men to be happy, and if we act like a man we can work our way up the corporal ladder. Now we are getting confused between career and home life. Are we genetically built to want a home and family? Are we trying to deny that by convincing ourselves we'd prefer to work and push aside the want for a partner and / or children? We are always being told by our mothers, aunts, grandmother or the persistant girlfriend that we should be after the opposite of what we want. It's no suprise that we're getting confused. And with our insatiable need to please everyone around us (again, is that part of our biological makeup?!) We can never seem to do what WE want to do. Most of us probably haven't even thought for a moment what it is we want. We're just convinced we're not getting it..

So I guess in this post-feminist world we live in it could be hard for men to know what it is we want (hell, Freud couldn't even figure it out!!) but technically, it can't be that hard for most women...
What do women want? The perfect body? The perfect home and partnership? The perfect job? The perfect lifestyle? Every woman's want is different but I'm sure most, if not all, can be summed up to a basic want;

We want to be comfortable and confident with ourselves.

Most women lack self-esteem and self confidence. Even if we build this ego-maniacle front it's only because we can't let people see how weak we feel.
The girl that wants the perfect body? Obviously she's not comfortable in her own skin. If a man can make her believe that she is beautiful and he cares then she will finally be comfortable with herself and that would make her a great deal happier.
The last person a woman loves is herself.

So if men are still clutching at straws to find out what it is we want, then they should try to make us comfortable with who we are. It may be a start to figuring out our woman psyche...

I sure would be delighted with your company

Apr. 10th, 2009 | 03:39 pm
mood: blah blah

Wellity, my life is on hold until Tuesday. Everything is happening on Tuesday. I have a confirmed job which I have to confirm if I want it by Tuesday, a half job which they said they'd give me a trial for (but they haven't called?!) but that was supposed to be set for Tuesday and the job which I really really want but don't know if they like me will tell me my result by Tuesday. I want this and need this last one and I thought the lady seemed to like me a bit but there are others to interview and I feel like theres not much I could do to convince her to pick me. Well, less than harrassing and stalking. Maybe I send a muffin basket!!! Haha. I tried to tell her I was excited and love history (seeing as I did double history in college) Moo.
But then this coffee job, which I know I'll have, but I can't live off it... Plus, the guy flirts a lot and I don't know if I can be in good spirits all the time to shake it off.. Hmmm

Last weekend The Boy went off to NZ for a holiday. He won the trip with his work and a few others he trained with went. He came back and then a few days later jetted off to Thailand!! He just landed there today. Oh, I miss him already. He's all sweet... Oh..

When she wakes me, she takes me back home.

Mar. 30th, 2009 | 04:51 pm
mood: calm calm

I've had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time!
On Friday evening, J, The Boy and I headed down to Bathurst to visit with The Boy's family. I really enjoy spending time with his family which suprises some people. But they're so easy going and I feel comfortable around them - more so than my own in some ways. I guess because I don't feel like they expect too much from me or that I'm a disappointment... I don't know..

Anyway, we stopped by to visit his Aunt and Uncle on the way which was always entertaining. Although we did have to endure a baked cheese and onion "risotto" ball with banana in the middle. That was an interesting moment I hope not to repeat for a while! The banana wasn't too bad but the cheesey onion rice on the outside was not exactly... appertising. We all got through it though and we're better people for it!
Then dropped into visit The Boy's dad and White Mother to hand over the ginger beer before finally getting to his Mothers place.
The Boy and I were quite amused that J got the most attention from his Mother upon our arrival. And J seemed to be quite happy about it! It was pretty funny..

Saturday, I spent the morning playing with the dogs - Bonnie and Nicky boy. So freaking adorable!! Poor Nicky was just trying to do sitting while Bonnie (being the little pup that she is) wanted to run around and play and waste as much energy as possible! Even she exhausted me after a while! Then we headed into town for a bit to grab lunch and groceries. The cafe workers weren't exactly the smartest. They tried to make a hamburger with shredded HAM instead of a meat patty then couldn't add 6 + 7 together so asked for $11 instead. Some people...
Then it was back to The Boy's Dad and White Mothers place in the afternoon. Spent sometime in his Dad's snake shed drinking and watching the snakes have their lunch and talking shit. Had a look at all the cute lizards which only made me want one even more. Oh! They have beady eyes and little feet and do scurrying everywhere! 8)
Then the Kids recruited us to play Monopoly with them while we had afternoon tea.
It as a bit short lived as we all had short attention spans.
Then Black Mother came with the Dorkster and we all waited for the other Brother and had drinks and more cheese and crackers.

Dinner was take out pizza - which was massive and very filling, and garlic bread. Black Mother made this awesome apple crumble for dessert which was so freakin awesome!! I still can't believe how good her cooking is!
We all spent the rest of the evening drinking and talking and I had heaps of fun. Eventually we all headed back to Black Mothers place to get some rest.

Sunday was a bit of a lazy day. Black Mother made us all breakfast. And I don't know what she does but the tomatoes and mushrooms are the best I've eaten and her poached eggs are perfect. It's crazy!!
We headed to The Boys old school for their fair. It was a bit quiet when we got there and we seemed to miss most of the action so we headed back pretty quickly and spent the rest of the arvo lazying about the house (or sleeping in my case).
Spent more time playing with the dogs before admitting defeat that I can't keep up with Bonnie!
Headed back to the Berra after dinner and more apple crumble ^-^ I was a bit sad to leave and kind of wished we could spend a few more days. But alas. The boys have jobs to get back to! I feel slightly left out...

Doesn't anyone fill the void?

Mar. 26th, 2009 | 02:40 pm
mood: still tired still tired

Wow, two updates in one day. My journal must think hell is freezing over.

This is more of a rant than a proper update.
I've had a hard time getting and staying asleep lately. My mind's been going round in circles and making itself dizzy and everytime I think I've figured something out, it goes right back to the beginning and I just don't know anymore.
I don't seem to know what it is I want. And I'm getting increasingly unhappy where I am but can't seem to figure out which direction to take.
I am scared and anxious and bloody well frustrated it all doesn't seem worth it. And I just... Argh. I don't know! Moo.

On a happy note I'm going to Bathurst tomorrow for the weekend. It will be J's last chance to catch up with The Boy's father so we're making a trip out of it. I've been looking forward to it for a while now and can't wait to go! :)

It's so hard to do, but so easy to say

Mar. 26th, 2009 | 01:16 pm
mood: tired tired

I haven't updated in zonks. Just let my wipe the freakin dust off my journal before I get started...

Well, there is a lot that I have to update on, but I shall cull it to just the important stories. In other words, the ones I can remember.

On Feb 18 I hoped onto a plane bound for Thailand, Phuket to be exact, with Brother to meet up with a few friends. The Flight over wasn't too bad. Watched some movies, did some sleeping rah rah rah.
When we finally arrived to our resort (and I use that term lightly) in Patong I already had my doubts about the holiday. We barely got into our room before Brother was calling up our friends so he could see them. I had a feeling in my gut that we'd be chasing them all over this holiday. And, I was right!
Once I had settled I headed straight for the pool to soak up the sun and get a rough sun burn on my shoulders. Ahh, tannage... It was very relaxing. So I got myself a cocktail and lived it up Patong [tourist] style.

For the first few days we didn't do much. Most of it was shopping in the dirty, stinky, over-crowded streets looking for model stuff. Big fuck off "designer" bags to show off to people and bikinis to do shoots in. Worst of all, brother didn't stand up for me and sided with his "bestie" and followed her around like a lost puppy. He'd always have an excuse like "I need girl things for photoshoots to use on the models" or "it was so hot so a walk to shops would be good" - don't even let me point out the flaws of "so hot" and "a walk" in the same sentence. So I kept with the boys for most of it - even if one really pissed me off at first. But I got used to him. He was harmless in the end and good value entertainment wise. Then I tried to stick with the Brennan parents, because they actually did tourist things. Like try thai food, or visit places!!
I learnt not to bother on their shopping expeditions (especially since we'd walk the same strip of shops every bloody day) so I lounged around the pool and relaxed.

At nights we mostly went to "Bangla Road" which was tourist / nightclub hot spot. There were some really great, cheap restaurants there that we went to and some bars which we settled in for the night. We also got to see lots of lady boys. My goodness, they were so pretty!!! It was shocking. They were more attractive than some of the girls there. And heaps more attractive than most of the girls back home. They were thin, had shapely legs (who would've thought that's possible from a boy??) and pretty faces (when made up). They really were the main attraction for Bangla. It was unbelievable!

On one day we hired a tuk tuk to take us around and be our tour guide. That was pretty fun. We went to a shooting range and I did target practice. I got 75% accuracy I think. The guy said I was good. And I had good "grouping". Cost a bit for 10 bullets but i had fun ^-^ Afterwards we went to a snake show. Got to see a King Cobra up close and some other python I forgot the name of and a big fuck off goanna and some mangrove snakes (which were cute!) and an eagle and a wild cat! I love animals. But I was sad and cranky about the conditions they kept them in. The water was dirty, cages were gross and all the animals had scares, blisters or other abnormalities. And the actual show was crazy. They're there kissing King Cobras then picking them up and swinging them by their tails at the audience. Poor snake. Must have had a headache afterwards. Moo.
Ok... Culling my trip. Went to see baby elephants afterwards. Very cute ^-^ and they ate bananas.
Then off to a really beautiful beach to watch the sunset and do some swimming (and tanning).

The only other thing that really stood out was our trip to Raya Island and the Racha resort. That place, I swear, was heaven. White sand and clear blue waters. Cloudless sky. It was so much fun! And our resort was amazing! It was 5 stars and way beyond what we could afford (but brother and I had to stay a night there for experience) whilst everyone else stayed in the bungalows. But it had two pools. One that looks out to the beach and looks like you could just drop off the edge! AND the pool attendents came over with tea-tree scented towelettes to cool us down and melon balls on offer. *Melts* the other pool was by far my favourite. Waterfalls and surrounded by trees with underwater music! I know! I never thought that underwater music was an overly important feature for a pool but it works! You could hear it so clearly.
When we first got there, brother and I were allowed in but the others were kicked out because they weren't actually guests. So "bestie" chucked a massive hissy fit and stormed off. That made my day. I bet it's not often she gets told she can't do something. But seeing as we were there for a shoot, they were all allowed in the end.
We spent most of the first day snorkling. That was a lot of fun. I went around chasing fish because I wanted to pat them. But they swam away. That night after dinner and more swimming in the musical pool we sat in the deck chairs with a cocktail each looking out to the ocean and a accoustics band came up behind us and started singing. It was a movie moment! Something you think will never happen but see all the time. It was the highlight of my trip! We then retired to our respective rooms / bungalows for the night and I was so happy about the air conditioning and having a toilet that flushes, plus indoor and outdoor showers. Seriously, who needs this stuff? But I enjoyed in nonetheless.

The next day we went back to the beach after breakfast for a bit more snorkling and canoeing. I had one to myself, brother had one, the boys shared a two-seater and "bestie" stayed on the beach. But once she realised how much fun we were having she wanted to join, but without putting in the effort. So she sat in the middle of the boys two seater and we went off to the deeper water. One of the boys had an idea to capsize me so he came right at me and ran into the front of my canoe. In my unco way I seemed to re-balance myself and (unintentionally) hit them back then over they went!! They capsized themselves! I was so amused!!

The last day there was shit and I hated it. So I wont talk about it.

Got back into Canberra on the 2nd March and met The Boy at the airport. ^-^ I missed him. He seemed upset that I didn't really enjoy my trip and is convinced that I'd enjoy it if I went with him. I don't know. We'll have to see I guess!

Anyway. Since I've been back I've been trying to get a job and get some money (I'm le poor) and hopefully save up for a bond once The Boy and I find an apartment to rent. But alas. I don't seem to have much luck so far. Not at entry level anyway. But Father is helping me and using his contacts to snoop for opening positions. Ohhh, I hope I get one soon...